The story of this evening... Theory of Evolution PART ONE
Man is a great thing. Men are stupid a lot though. Like Rick James, who the hell cares if sheís a super freak anyway? And what about MC Hammer? He stole the same bass-line but made even dumber lyrics. What cant I touch, and why not? Iíve seen smarter monkeys than those two men, which scares me. Today on TV I saw a monkey oranatan deal and the dude was suckiní coconut juice out of a coconut through a stalk/straw. The nuts part was that it had never seen a coconut before and it figured out how to get the juice out in an efficient manner. Tom Hanks got nominated for an Oscar for tossing a coconut against a rock wall and getting nothing from it. And he couldnít get the juice out until he magically received a pair of ice skates via miraculously washing on shore thanks to the product placement gods at FedEx. Apes are smarter than they let you think, and I would know, because I have all FIVE Planet of the Apes Tapes.
As far as I know there were 4 basic man like species back millions of years ago. They were Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon, Homo Erectus, and Homo Sapiens, plus a separate group of apes. Currently there is the ape species and the Homo Sapiens species, or man. All the non-existing forms of man were hunters who had used developed tools and wore clothing. They could communicate and comprehend and work together. Apes were just a bunch of uncivilized hairy things that grunted and ate bananas, and occasionally through barrels at Mario, nothing more than that. How were the apes able to outlive 3 sets of much more advanced humans? Iíll tell you how, the apes werenít as dumb as we thought. They fooled the pre-humans into thinking that they were just a bunch of tick-eaters, and then when they werenít looking, or playing with fire, the apes threw rocks at them until all the humans were dead. Now the smarter readers would ask themselves, why did not the humans pick up rocks and throw them back at the apes? Of course they did that you idiots, but they couldnít keep up for the apes could throw with their feet too! Itís the foot thumbs that the apes have that destroyed the humans! FOOT THUMBS!!!! If you did not know the apes are 200% more technologically advanced in the field of thumbs, and a staggering INFINTE PERCENT ADVANTAGE in foot thumbs!!! So while the early man was busy throwing with 2 hands at best, most likely only one hand though since the PSAE tells me that pre-humans were aware of a theory of "handedness." So mans really only throwing rocks at the apes with one hand while the apes are chucking them with ALL 4 EXTREMITIES! So the scene would be apes sitting on their purple butts grabbing and throwing rocks with all four limbs like a hairy prehistoric pitching machine.
Homo sapiens on the other hand had a different plan. They were thinkers. They knew they couldnít beat this superior species of four thumbed rock monkeys, so they made up God one day and tricked the apes into believing that if they hurt the Homo sapiens they would experience Gods wrath. Few know that God was made up to protect humans from apes, but now you know.
Looking at the present and towards the future though, I must warn that a second great awakening of ape rock throwing has enormous potential. You can see them sitting in their cages at zoos thinking up plans of a revolution, as well as stockpiling rocks. I am proposing that we go around and cut off all the foot thumbs of every ape to make this revolution impossible. Once we got all the thumbs hopefully we will be able to completely make humans the strongest species by cutting of the big toe of every human and gluing or stapling the foot thumb of apes on. And while we are at it we could possibly glue or staple our big toes onto apes for a few laughs. If you agree with my theory, email your praises to Chris along with some bikini pictures if you are an attractive female.
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This page created on 4-29-01 by the One and only C O L E. Any material contained herein is true as far as the author knows (Not that this means much). No mold was used to contaminate this web page.